Learning How To Have Productive Fights Made Me A Better Wife | Lifebru
Connect with us

Love

Learning How To Have Productive Fights Made Me A Better Wife

Growing up, the only thing I knew about being married came from the movies. This included a lot of romantic letter-writing and jumping-into-each-other’s-arms French kissing scenes. It also included passionate plate-smashing arguments. You can imagine that I’ve been sorely disappointed in some of my relationships.I come from a family of divorce. My parents, who remained […]

Published

on

Growing up, the only thing I knew about being married came from the movies. This included a lot of romantic letter-writing and jumping-into-each-other’s-arms French kissing scenes. It also included passionate plate-smashing arguments. You can imagine that I’ve been sorely disappointed in some of my relationships.I come from a family of divorce. My parents, who remained friends throughout my life, split when I was just 4 years old. And while they both provided loving homes, I never understood what a healthy marriage should look like. Because of this, I didn’t know how to fight fairly.

Art Markman, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Texas and author of Smart Change, tells SELF that children observe a lot about adult interactions from the relationship between their parents, as well as the relationship that parents have with them and with siblings. “In addition, children may have a chance to observe their parents interacting with other adults,” he adds. I learned about adult interactions from Reality Bites.My first real fight with my high-school boyfriend was plagiarized. He hurt my feelings, and after watching my favorite movie for the zillionth time, I rewound a particularly heated scene between Troy and Lelaina and wrote down the most powerful words to break my boyfriend’s heart. It failed miserably.

Fast forward to my now-husband who was born with the emotional maturity of a 75-year-old man. He took me to the nicest restaurant in our hometown for our first date and opened the car door for me and ordered wine like a grown up. My previous boyfriend had taken me to McDonald’s before a homecoming dance, so this felt very adult.Along with this maturity came a reasonable response to real-life arguments. Like someone opening my car door, I was not prepared. Where was the passionate plate-smashing? Where was the screaming match? Wasn’t one of us supposed to zoom off and cry in an abandoned parking lot?Markman says that it’s important for couples to learn that you can be angry with each other and work past it. “This can be particularly difficult for children of divorce who may always be wondering whether a particular fight is the one that will lead to a downward spiral that ultimately ends the relationship.

” It’s true: I assumed that every argument would have some dramatic ending. I certainly didn’t understand that a disagreement could be respectful and even productive.But I knew that if I wanted this relationship to work, I had to learn to fight fairly.Markman says that learning to disagree respectfully might be more difficult for those without role models (that don’t come from Netflix). “One of the things that family therapists spend a lot of time talking about is how to state feelings rather than making accusations when fighting. That strategy is valuable for making discussions and arguments productive.”For me, it meant learning to use “I” statements rather than “You” accusations. It also meant that I had to learn to say, “I’m sorry,” which happened to be another one of my major downfalls when it came to having a disagreement.

As in, I just didn’t do it. The only thing I knew about arguments is that you were supposed to win them and saying you’re sorry meant that I was the loser.Markman says that, like me, some people do have trouble apologizing. “For these individuals, it’s really helpful to learn to apologize, because it helps their partner to feel like their concern is understood and that there was something valid in what they were feeling. By apologizing, you give you and your partner a chance to move forward rather than staying stuck in the moment that created the rift.”Unfortunately, this went on longer than I’d like to admit—at least a couple of years—with my now-husband doing most of the apologizing. (WHY DID HE MARRY ME?!) Markman explains that some people take responsibility for their partner’s feelings and not just their own actions. “If you find that you are always apologizing and your partner never is, then it is important to have a discussion about ensuring that both of you are willing to take responsibility for your own actions.”And when I did apologize—like really, truly apologize—it felt so good.

This sincere action opened the doors to better communication and OMG THE FEELINGS. Honestly, I hate that I waited so long to do this, but I’m thankful that I had a patient partner and over the years, I’m proud to say that I’ve learned to fight fairly, or rather, disagree, and that it never feels like losing when I apologize.Am I perfect now? No, but arguments feel productive. I choose my battles, too, which Markman says is important. “Every couple has differences in priorities and values that they need to discuss. In addition, every relationship has moments in which one person does something that bothers the other and while it’s not necessary (or even healthy) to point out every small foible, it’s important for people to talk about the things that really bother them.” So I may give in and say, “Fine, wear the T-shirt with pit stains,” but calmly communicate that I’m bothered if he’s texting while we’re having coffee, or whatever feels important at the time. And I think he does the same.Markman goes on to say that occasionally disagreeing is, in fact, healthy. “Couples who never fight are often couples that are avoiding confrontation, rather than being perfectly aligned.” Whew! Now, about those pit stains.

Up Next

WTF Is ‘Phubbing’, And Why Is It A Problem In Relationships?

Continue Reading
Advertisement
Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Featured

Love in the Time of Coronavirus: Dating During Covid

Published

on

The coronavirus heavily impacted so many areas in our lives. Finding love, a common preoccupation especially among singles all around the world became even more impossible as lockdowns were established to halt the rapid spread of the COVID-19 infection. A multitude of dating apps suddenly sprung up to cater to the loveless, allowing more people to mingle online instead of offline.

Dating Coronavirus

When quarantine measures first occurred in the early part of 2020, Alan McMahon, a 29-year-old freelance production manager, subscribed to the $30 monthly subscription on one of the dating apps, Hinge. There, he met Brooke, his current girlfriend.

The two eventually decided to hike across the Runyon Canyon, Los Angeles’ popular and scenic trail. During the said hike, they became increasingly at ease with each other until they decided to remove their masks. That was the time when Alan knew this date was different. “All caution was thrown to the wind,” asserts Alan, referring to the famous coronavirus protocol of wearing masks while in the presence of other people.

That was a few months ago. Now, the couple are still together, splitting their time together between her Long Beach apartment and his West Hollywood one. Both have accomplished the impossible and found love during COVID-19.

Alan believes that he has “found his soul mate during the most unlikely of times”. They are hoping to get married in Vegas as soon as the chapels open there.

Dating Exclusively

While this sounds like a perfect, if not improbable, reality for all, dating sites have become even more popular as more and more single people hope to find someone to be with online. Experts assert that the current pandemic has actually made it even more convenient for singles to find possible matches.

“Because we have this dedicated time to find love, there are no distractions — you’re not a bar looking at people around you or looking at your drink. Everyone’s more present and they are more conscious about the way they are showing up to these virtual or real-life dates,” shares Yue Xu, co-host of the ‘Dateable’ podcast.

Indeed, more individuals find it easier to focus their attention to finding more serious, exclusive relationships as they are able to pick their matches using these dating apps. They get to pinpoint possible prospects using these apps’ feature of entering specific traits they may prefer and go on from there.

Love and Companionship

One of the greatest challenges pre-COVID-19 was that there were too many candidates out there. Everyone was preoccupied with work, studies, and other things. Now, however, people get the much-needed time-off from their regular, busy lives. Singles are provided the chance to look into their individual, isolated lives and realize the importance of companionship—and, ultimately, love.

Perhaps, one of the major lessons from this pandemic, then, is that we are all social beings—we all long to be with someone other than ourselves. Like Alan and his girlfriend, Brooke, love during Covid can still become a reality for single adults who continue to long for a partner to share their lives with. The internet is filled with many dating apps to help make that pervasive dream a reality.

Continue Reading

Beauty

Deep Breathing Techniques To Change Your Life

  

Published

on





 Breathing is fundamental. If you’re not breathing, you’re not living. But did you know if you actually focus on your breathing you can help lower blood pressure, sharpen your memory and reduce stress? That’s right, taking deep focused breaths can actually save your life. That’s why we want to give you a beginners guide to learn how to breathe deep and better enjoy your life.

4-7-8 BREATHING

     Don’t channel Bill Clinton, because for this exercise you’re actually supposed to inhale. Breathe in through your nose for four seconds. Try to fill your belly up with air instead of your chest. Then hold your breath for seven seconds before slowly exhaling out of your mouth for eight seconds. Repeat this for a couple of minutes and then work up to repeating longer. This is a great way to get oxygen in your blood which is great for your body.

BREATH THROUGH THE CRAVINGS

     Instead of binge-drinking, binge-eating and binge-watching try binge-breathing. If you get a craving just sit up straight and take some deep breaths until you no longer crave those bad body no-nos.

Let’s face it, booze TV and cookies are bad for you, and breathing is good for you. So instead of indulging in those sinful treats, just breathe and feel the cravings melt away. 

DON’T JUST SIT AROUND

     Make sure you get up every house at work or around the house and take a small little walk around, drink some water and take a couple of minutes to breathe deep and center yourself. You will be astonished at how much this improves your attitude for the rest of the day and improves your ability to think on your feet and remain calm as well.

GET SOME APPS

     You don’t have to remember all of these steps yourself, there are apps that are specifically made to make it easier for you to remember these deep breathing techniques. Search your app store for apps like Breathe or Calm. These will all keep you focused on deep breathing for a minute every four hours. Come on, you have one minute to spare every four hours, don’t you? If you don’t then you are probably really stressed out and need more deep breathing than ever.

    Deep breathing may very well save your life, so why not take some time out of your day to give it a try. Let’s face it, everyone could be less stressed and have a sharper memory. Working hard doesn’t mean you have to be hard on your body and sometimes eating right and exercising just isn’t enough. When you need to take that extra step then give deep breathing a try. If you breathe deep every four hours and already sleep for eight hours then that means you just need four minutes per day to focus on deep breathing and the benefits make those four measly minutes worthwhile.



Continue Reading

Beauty

Indulge In These Starbucks Drinks Without Feeling Guilty!

A lot of us are addicted to Starbucks. The coffee chain is the easiest way to get your daily dose of caffeine while on the run. You can rely on Starbucks and you’ve grown to trust Starbucks. But what you don’t know is that many of the drinks you slurp down from this chain are […]

Published

on





A lot of us are addicted to Starbucks. The coffee chain is the easiest way to get your daily dose of caffeine while on the run. You can rely on Starbucks and you’ve grown to trust Starbucks. But what you don’t know is that many of the drinks you slurp down from this chain are actually pretty fattening. If you’re getting a venti frappuccino with extra whipped cream and a caramel swirl then guess what, that is not a healthy friendly drink. Also with all that sugar, you are setting yourself up for a serious crash. Which kind of defeats the purpose of drinking coffee in the first place.

You don’t have to sacrifice your diet to drink Starbucks, they have plenty of great options that are all under 100 calories so you can stay alert and slim at the same time.

 

Iced Coffee

Iced Coffee is the best bet when you’re looking for a drink that is low calorie. If you get it unsweetened it is only five calories. FIVE! You probably burn more than five calories when using your lip muscles to slurp that drink down. If you hate unsweetened coffee then get it “lightly sweetened” which will bring it up from five calories to sixty, which is still pretty darn good.

 

Cold Brew Coffee

If you’re looking for more of a caffeine punch than cold brew coffee is the one for you. This drink also only has five calories and you can add some non-fat milk to make it 25 calories. Drinking a cold brew coffee will have you bouncing off the walls and your calorie count will still be unbelievably low.

 

Iced Skinny Mocha

If you want some chocolate in your coffee but still want to keep it reasonable then try the iced skinny mocha. You will hardly believe that you’re only drinking 70 calories, but trust us it’s true. With this iced skinny mocha, you won’t be sacrificing taste as much as a skinny mocha sounds. This drink is still very enjoyable despite a few calories.

 

Caramel Frappuccino

Yes, the caramel frappuccino will have exactly 100 calories if you order it light. You need to ask for it to be light or else you will just get a regular gut-busting caramel frappuccino which is definitely not 100 calories. Also light means no whipped cream.

 

Iced Skinny Vanilla Latte

Lattes are great and this one is no exception to the rule. You can sip on this every day considering it’s only 60 calories. At 60 calories it’s hard to say no to this scrumptious treat.

 

Iced Caffe Americano

Americanos are great because they’re just shots of espresso in water and poured over ice. That means that this drink is only ten calories. Just be careful, as with all of these drinks, that you don’t add too many extras including cream and sugar because each pour of extras means extra calories which can add up quicker than you’d think.



Continue Reading
Advertisement

Facebook

Featured1 week ago

Yoga: The Ultimate Solution to Chronic Pain

Featured1 week ago

The Literal Height of Fashion: Mountains of Clothes Build-Up

Featured3 weeks ago

Tabitha Brown and Other Black Personalities Focus On Joy Despite Crisis

Featured4 weeks ago

Lady Gaga, Ray Dalio, and Oprah Swear That TM, a Meditation and Yoga Derivative. Works for Them

Featured4 weeks ago

Love in the Time of Coronavirus: Dating During Covid

Fitness2 months ago

7 Foolproof Health Benefits of Running

Featured2 months ago

How To Get a Good Night’s Sleep?

Fitness2 months ago

Successful Eating Diet Tips

Featured2 months ago

All About Fasting: A Gateway To A Healthier Life

Featured2 months ago

How To Lose Weight On A Budget

Categories

Trending

  • Beauty9 months ago

    Six Essential Food Items For Runners

  • Beauty9 months ago

    Deep Breathing Techniques To Change Your Life

  • Beauty9 months ago

    Healthy Choices To Help You Live Longer

  • Beauty9 months ago

    Even Seasoned Sunscreeners Are Missing Parts Of Their Faces

  • Featured9 months ago

    There’s More To Weight Loss Than Dieting

  • Uncategorized9 months ago

    Microsoft plans to reach negative carbon emissions by 2030 * Establishing $ 1 billion funds to find solutions

  • Beauty9 months ago

    Indulge In These Starbucks Drinks Without Feeling Guilty!

  • Featured9 months ago

    Easy Tricks To Becoming A Morning Person